Hey Jeff Goldblum, it’s me, your new PR guy. Your last one had a family emergency, but don’t worry, he totally didn’t off himself in the fifth floor bathroom over his top client’s inane media fumble.
Speaking of which, Jeff, what were you thinking? You’re promoting a jazz album. Quintessential cool dad Jeff Goldblum leading a jazz band called The Mildred Snitzer Orchestra should, quite frankly, be the easiest sell in PR history. So why, in the ever-loving name of Jesus H. Christ, would you randomly say you’d work with Woody Allen again in spite of long-standing allegations that he sexually abused a child? What the hell were you hoping to accomplish?
Look, assuming there’s another interview on the horizon, and I’m honestly not sure if there will be––you might be totally canceled buddy, I really don’t know––I want to help you find some better talking points about your jazz album that don’t involve defending an alleged pedophile. Here are some suggestions:
1. You could, you know, just talk about being a cool, quirky dude who loves jazz music.
That’s your whole shtick. You got your big frame glasses and your off-kilter swagger. You play the piano. You’re freaking Jeff Goldblum. This should sell itself. WHY WOULD YOU DEFEND WOODY ALLEN WHILE PROMOTING YOUR F*CKING JAZZ ALBUM?
Sorry, I lost it there for a second, didn’t mean to yell at you, Jeffy, baby. I’m under a lot of pressure trying to make sure your entire brand isn’t sunk, so bear with me. Let’s explore some other talking points.
2. Talk about playing Dr. Ian Malcolm in Jurassic Park.
Just talk about that, okay? Try looking in the mirror and saying, “Hey, I’m Jeff Goldblum. I played Dr. Ian Malcolm in Jurassic Park, and now I’m releasing a new jazz album featuring Miley Cyrus. Did you know I play the piano? I do, because I’m cool, quirky Jeff Goldblum.”
See? It’s not that hard. Not once did that pitch include defending child predator Woody Allen who has been all but entirely blacklisted from Hollywood.
3. Give your opinion on Martin Scorsese’s opinion on Marvel movies.
If you really wanted to drum up some controversy around your jazz album, why not just join the ongoing hubbub around Martin Scorsese saying Marvel movies aren’t cinema? It’s a great topic, because everybody’s talking about it for some reason, but let’s be honest, nobody actually cares. You were in Thor: Ragnarok, so this is a literal no-brainer. Get in there, hit the zeitgeist, bang, boom, and get out.
Just say: “Hey, I’m Jeff Goldblum, I was in Thor: Ragnarok, and Martin Scorsese is wrong because it’s a decent movie, and check out my new jazz album,” and that’s it. End it there. Don’t conclude with, “The #MeToo movement is great, but I also think this one possible pedophile should really have his career salvaged.” DO NOT DO THAT.
Then, people will write headlines like “Jeff Goldblum Joins the Marvel Cinema Debate and Has New Jazz Album” instead of “Jeff Goldblum Throws His Lot in with Alleged Pedophile Woody Allen.”
4. Make dad jokes.
You had so much goodwill built up, Jeff. The public loves you. You can just make a bunch of goofy dad jokes during an interview and people will eat that sh*t up. This should be so easy. God, why are you doing this to me, Jeff?
5. Literally, talk about ANYTHING other than how you’d still work with Woody Allen, even though he was accused of molesting his 7-year-old daughter.
Look, even if you would be willing to work with Woody Allen, again, in spite of the accusations (I have no idea why you’d want to do that to your career, but okay, for argument’s sake, let’s say you do), keep that sh*t to yourself. Any statement that begins with, “I support the MeToo movement, but…” is going to be a PR nightmare right now.
How are you failing to grasp this? We’re in the midst of a cultural reckoning for rich, powerful men using their positions to sexually abuse people and continually being covered for and propped up by the industries that profit from them. You are a rich, powerful, white man. There is no “but…” from you. If you have a “but…,” use it to sit the f*ck down, shut up, and listen. Maybe then, we wouldn’t be dealing with you getting canceled during the press junket for a freaking jazz album.