- JON GITCHOFF / SCREENSHOT FROM THIS VIDEO
- This is going to be humbling, to say this least.
The most lopsided shootout in the history of hockey — one that pits hunky golden god Jordan Binnington versus scrawny pipsqueak Justin Bieber — will indeed happen sometime this year, the St. Louis Blues have confirmed, though the exact details have yet to be sorted out.
It’s the latest development in the Bieber/Binnington shootout saga, after Bieber, a sentient pile of Tiger Beat magazines and hair gel brought to life by YouTube’s ongoing refusal to curate even its most objectionable content, accepted a shootout challenge put forth by Blues goalie and brick-wall cosplayer Binnington, setting the singer up for what could be the biggest embarrassment of his career since…. ah, who are we kidding; it’s impossible to feel embarrassment when you have no shame.
It all started last week, when Bieber, a man with more than enough money to hire a legion of sycophants to pretend to lose to him at hockey (just saying!), posted a video on Instagram in which he scores a behind-the-back shot during what looks to be a pick-up game.
“Like my wife always says…. I got good hands,” the pop star wrote as the post’s vomit-inducing caption. (No shade to Mrs. Bieber — we’re sure she’s lovely — but Bieber’s net worth is probably enough to buy a bedroom compliment or two as well. Juuuuust saying!)
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But Binnington, who led the Blues to their first Stanley Cup victory last year and assuredly knows an intentionally blown save when he sees it, was apparently not impressed. “10 breakaways me vs. you,” Binnington posted in response to Bieber’s video. “You score on me I’ll dye my hair platinum blonde.”
“How bout 10 thousand dollars to charity [if] I score and you donate to a charity of my choice and we film it,” the pop star replied.
It’s these terms that Binnington has reportedly agreed to, and while money for a good cause is nice and all, we can’t help but feel like Binnington’s offer was a little more fun — and now we may never experience the joy that is a platinum-blonde Binnington. But really, who are we kidding: Bieber doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of winning this thing anyway.
The exact when and where of the challenge have yet to be determined, but it’s worth noting that Bieber is slated to perform in St. Louis on July 13 — at the Blue’s home base of Enterprise Center, no less. Perhaps a summertime shootout is in the cards? Maybe at the mini rink inside Vladimir Tarasenko’s house?
In any case, our advice to Bieber is to keep practicing if you want a chance to not look like a complete buffoon on this one. All that money won’t save you this time!